I want a love

like in Casimir Pulaski Day.

Obviously not with anyone dying of cancer.
I just want a love so good that you don't know what you would do without them.
And you can't imagine anything without them.

I want it to be fresh, new, and exciting.
And I want it to be real.

I want to get an electrical surge every time I see them and I want that to only intensify as the relationship goes on.

I want my butterflies back for good, even though they make me feel so lame.








And I want to see Sufjan Stevens live.

I want too many things, I think.

I am green.

Not the eco-friendly kind either.

I'm so stinkin' inexperienced.
With all kinds of everything.

I don't know how I expect myself to be able to be thrown out into the real world with nothing but a crap car, open house money, and a best friend and actually make this work.
But it has to.

I'm not coming back.
I won't come back.

One thing I am experienced in is this house and the things that happen in it.
And I don't want to become any more experienced.








Get me out.

Gah

Hollow
Lust.

I don't know.

I'm so weirded out.
It seems like everyone around me is getting married or having kids, or both.

And it strikes me as wrong.
But I realize that it really isn't.
A lot of my friends or the people I know are older than me.
And even though its not by much, its enough that its totally normal.

Which makes me think that I'm still stuck in high school.
I mean, obviously I am.
But mentally, I've felt like I've been out of high school for a long time.
But this kind of makes me feel like I'm not.



I don't know.
Its just weird.

Man up.

Please.


I'm sick of everyone whining about everything.

Grow a pair, deal with it, and move on.

I think that

if any boy plays me Lullaby by The Spill Canvas, I would marry him on the spot.






I am so lame.

Crap, man.

I need a prom date.

I don't know what I'd do

if she was never there for me.




I don't know what they'd do either.


GET FREAKIN' BETTER!

Single

I don't know.

I wish

I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish


I wasn't such an idiot.
And I wish I could take things from the past year back.
I want to live it over, even if it means spending another year in high school.
I would do it so differently.

School

needs to get over with immediately.

For the sake of my deteriorating sanity.
Or for the sake of everyone else in this school with me.
Everyone's driving me crazy, which makes me go crazy, which makes me lash out.






I hate knowing that nothing can speed this up.
Its like getting a tooth pulled.
For another 73 days straight.


I'm on a proxy in my lunch hour writing this right now.
In the yearbook room.
Which is my only escape.


I kind of hate everyone.

I've learned

That regret doesn't make things better.
It doesn't help anything, and it doesn't make accepting what you've done any easier to cope with.
But it lets you know that you messed up.



And it lets you know you need to change.



I can't give this up now.
I need to fix it.
I need to spill.
I need forgiveness.

Last few days-

I'm so much more in my element photographing bands than anything else.
Besides maybe freak nature things.
You don't have to worry about them posing. Musicians are almost always so caught up in what they're doing, they don't cheese it for the camera.
My least favorite thing is looking through a view finder and seeing people act differently now that my camera is up.
I take pictures to capture people's spirits, not the wall they put up when I'm holding the camera to my face.

Which is why I really want to go into photographing bands for a career.
I know its not as stable as other aspects of photojournalism.
And my dreams of National Geographic will never die.
I just feel like I belong right where I am and everything is perfect when I'm listening and watching and capturing at a show.

Speaking of my element, I've lost it these past few days.

I've been so uncomfortable sharing some things with some people and being sick isn't helping.
I'm constantly thinking I'm going into some weird feverish ramble about nothing.
But I think I'm always kind of like that.

But being sick is especially bad right now.
It JUST got nice outside and all I want to do is play in the sun.
I never realize what a horrible effect winter has on me until I see the sun shining through the clouds on the first days of spring.
If Grand Rapids wasn't planned and perfect, I would get out of Michigan so fast.
All this seasonal stuff really gets to me.
If only Global Warming would take full effect and the sun would be shining on my face year round.
Or as an extremely less selfish and horrible alternative, I could move to Florida.
I've always been fond of shuffleboard and I have a friend of my mom's to live with.
But the ocean scares me to death.






I think I'm just going to have to deal with things.
Sort some things out.
Enjoy my life instead of always wondering what else I could do with it.
And make up my mind on one thing in particular.

I think I'll go for a walk today.
I won't have to wear a jacket cause my core temperature is a million and one.
Go outside.

Glad

that I have my friend back.
Even if he didn't like my strawberry jell-o.








I don't even know if he's really back yet though.

We'll see.

Hips

hips
hips
hips.





I don't know why I'm never content with everything.
I just want some money so I can play soccer again.


=[[

Today.

It was so good.




Boyfriend<3