Schfifty Won.

I moved to Grand Rapids with Candis Cavanaugh.
Then she ditched me two months later.
Now I live with my boyfrand and kitty in a two bedroom apartment.
It's very nice.


I got a Nikon D200 for Christmas this year.
That's very exciting.

I miss all of my Clio friends.
But living in the city is a dream come true.


I'm getting this for a tattoo: Makar (the one with the string instrument) isn't pictured with the rest, but I'm going to get him worked in.

Number fifty.

Someone should make a translator that turns everything into black lingo.

I don't care if that sounded racist.


I'm going to Cornerstone and I still can't get over how excited I am.
Also.
Tonight.
Hanging with a boy?
If I grow big enough balls to call him.

Either way, I'm going to a dance party beforehand.
Its gonna be great. =]

I am accepted

to Cornerstone University.
College of choice.








I don't know what to do about Canavan.

Overwhelmed.

3 days left of high school.
I don't have much to say about that, except that it'll be a slow 3 days.


Definitely looking forward to this Friday night.
This seems legit.

I should have known

that this would happen.
I should have seen it coming.






I'm not gonna let it get to me.

Seems to me

that parents who watch TV channel white picket fence sitcoms as much as mine do would have raised a better family.

So.

I was prom queen.

My family and I were talking about what it would be like if I won while we were working in the garden.
My mom was saying how happy she was that I was finally acting more like a young lady.
My dad and I were throwing worms at eachother when she wasn't looking.


It was weird winning.
But nice.


Now I just have to focus on graduating.
Which is tough since I don't have much to look forward to anymore.
Which means I have no motivation.

I don't know.
I guess thinking of how bad it would suck to have to stay here another second than I have to is enough motivation.
I'm so excited to get the heck out of Clio High.


I've got my butterflies back again.
We'll see what happens.

This is it.

The home stretch.


My entire high school career has led up to this point.
From now on, its just coasting out of high school.

Prom tonight, last day of school in 14 days.
Graduation in 29 days.
Moving out shortly after that and my Open House.

Life is huge.
And I'm so naive and trapped in the "whatever! I can handle it!" teenage phase.
So I'm going to grab life by the horns and I'm going succeed.

I have to.

Its so weird

to hear her call him the same nicknames I called him.


And see him give her the same gifts he gave me.





I'll keep telling myself that I'm not upset.
Its just weird.

I'm on court.

Its weird to think I'm in a top 5 group of girls from my grade.

I don't know how.
hahhaa

I don't have the looks or the personality of a prom queen.

I never have.
I don't want to.

What?

If anyone had told me 5
No.
even 1 year ago that I would be on prom court, wearing a big poofy dress and really excited about both of them, I would've freaked out.
Then I probably would have continued playing soccer in mud and punching boys.

I still play soccer in the mud and punch boys.
I haven't changed, but I totally have.

If I have to run against people for prom and ruin someone's night, its not worth it.
I could go my whole life not being prom queen and dealing with it just fine.
Sadly, there are other people who couldn't.
I hate that.


Senior year is so weird.
I'm so happy its almost over.

Okay, no.

I just posted another one liner.


I wish things were clearer because nothing ever is.
I love figuring things out, I just wish that I wouldn't have to do it sometimes.

Everything that I've always been looking forward to in my high school career is now here.
I told Kim, "I don't know what I'll do after prom and graduation when I'm sitting in my new apartment in G-Raps."

Which is kind of true.
I won't have anything to look forward to.
I mean, I will.
Just not this many things.

But I definitely know that I'll be keeping myself busy over there.
If I don't, I won't have the money to stay there.



I'm ready to push my limits.
Which is good, since thats exactly what I'm going to be doing.

I wish

things were clearer.

I don't know

What I'm thinking anymore.

I'm losing it.

Its hard to tell what has been taken away and what I've pushed myself away from.


But it seems like nothing's here for me anymore.

Man.

Whatever happened to acceptance?

I lived in the moment

tonight.


For the first time in a looong time.

It was so good.

Every day I:

get farther out of Clio
Get closer to G-raps
Lose my sanity a little more
Drift away from the kids here a little more
Drift away from my church more
Appreciate The Harvest coffee house even more.
That, Max, and Emily are gonna be the only things I miss.





I'm beyond obsessed.

I want a love

like in Casimir Pulaski Day.

Obviously not with anyone dying of cancer.
I just want a love so good that you don't know what you would do without them.
And you can't imagine anything without them.

I want it to be fresh, new, and exciting.
And I want it to be real.

I want to get an electrical surge every time I see them and I want that to only intensify as the relationship goes on.

I want my butterflies back for good, even though they make me feel so lame.








And I want to see Sufjan Stevens live.

I want too many things, I think.

I am green.

Not the eco-friendly kind either.

I'm so stinkin' inexperienced.
With all kinds of everything.

I don't know how I expect myself to be able to be thrown out into the real world with nothing but a crap car, open house money, and a best friend and actually make this work.
But it has to.

I'm not coming back.
I won't come back.

One thing I am experienced in is this house and the things that happen in it.
And I don't want to become any more experienced.








Get me out.

Gah

Hollow
Lust.

I don't know.

I'm so weirded out.
It seems like everyone around me is getting married or having kids, or both.

And it strikes me as wrong.
But I realize that it really isn't.
A lot of my friends or the people I know are older than me.
And even though its not by much, its enough that its totally normal.

Which makes me think that I'm still stuck in high school.
I mean, obviously I am.
But mentally, I've felt like I've been out of high school for a long time.
But this kind of makes me feel like I'm not.



I don't know.
Its just weird.

Man up.

Please.


I'm sick of everyone whining about everything.

Grow a pair, deal with it, and move on.

I think that

if any boy plays me Lullaby by The Spill Canvas, I would marry him on the spot.






I am so lame.

Crap, man.

I need a prom date.

I don't know what I'd do

if she was never there for me.




I don't know what they'd do either.


GET FREAKIN' BETTER!

Single

I don't know.

I wish

I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish
I wish


I wasn't such an idiot.
And I wish I could take things from the past year back.
I want to live it over, even if it means spending another year in high school.
I would do it so differently.

School

needs to get over with immediately.

For the sake of my deteriorating sanity.
Or for the sake of everyone else in this school with me.
Everyone's driving me crazy, which makes me go crazy, which makes me lash out.






I hate knowing that nothing can speed this up.
Its like getting a tooth pulled.
For another 73 days straight.


I'm on a proxy in my lunch hour writing this right now.
In the yearbook room.
Which is my only escape.


I kind of hate everyone.

I've learned

That regret doesn't make things better.
It doesn't help anything, and it doesn't make accepting what you've done any easier to cope with.
But it lets you know that you messed up.



And it lets you know you need to change.



I can't give this up now.
I need to fix it.
I need to spill.
I need forgiveness.

Last few days-

I'm so much more in my element photographing bands than anything else.
Besides maybe freak nature things.
You don't have to worry about them posing. Musicians are almost always so caught up in what they're doing, they don't cheese it for the camera.
My least favorite thing is looking through a view finder and seeing people act differently now that my camera is up.
I take pictures to capture people's spirits, not the wall they put up when I'm holding the camera to my face.

Which is why I really want to go into photographing bands for a career.
I know its not as stable as other aspects of photojournalism.
And my dreams of National Geographic will never die.
I just feel like I belong right where I am and everything is perfect when I'm listening and watching and capturing at a show.

Speaking of my element, I've lost it these past few days.

I've been so uncomfortable sharing some things with some people and being sick isn't helping.
I'm constantly thinking I'm going into some weird feverish ramble about nothing.
But I think I'm always kind of like that.

But being sick is especially bad right now.
It JUST got nice outside and all I want to do is play in the sun.
I never realize what a horrible effect winter has on me until I see the sun shining through the clouds on the first days of spring.
If Grand Rapids wasn't planned and perfect, I would get out of Michigan so fast.
All this seasonal stuff really gets to me.
If only Global Warming would take full effect and the sun would be shining on my face year round.
Or as an extremely less selfish and horrible alternative, I could move to Florida.
I've always been fond of shuffleboard and I have a friend of my mom's to live with.
But the ocean scares me to death.






I think I'm just going to have to deal with things.
Sort some things out.
Enjoy my life instead of always wondering what else I could do with it.
And make up my mind on one thing in particular.

I think I'll go for a walk today.
I won't have to wear a jacket cause my core temperature is a million and one.
Go outside.

Glad

that I have my friend back.
Even if he didn't like my strawberry jell-o.








I don't even know if he's really back yet though.

We'll see.

Hips

hips
hips
hips.





I don't know why I'm never content with everything.
I just want some money so I can play soccer again.


=[[

Today.

It was so good.




Boyfriend<3

Extreme

disappointment.
In myself.
In the people around me.
In life.








"Failure at its finest, God."

Time flies

when you can't wait for something to happen.








I'm so curious about a few things.

Summer

now holds EVERYTHING I want.

Time alone.
Grand Rapids.
No more house.
Lots of Ross, Candis, Emily, and Max.
Eighteen.
Some promises that I hope are followed through on.
Livin' on my own.
NO MORE HIGH SCHOOL.
Giant paycheck aka open house.


I can not wait.

We're going too fast

and I know it.


I'm the catalyst.

I hate that fear

is keeping me from so many things.



I'm so scared to fail.

I'm afraid I'll always be looking to the future and not enjoying today.

Last night really made me think of that when all of us were covered in blankets on one bed and laughing till we cried.


I'll miss that.


There I go again.

People are still changing.

Everything's changing.







I don't feel like I am.

Old news.

I just replanned out my life.

The only difference is who I'm marrying.


Also:
Someone wants me dead.
Whats new?
haha



Today was so good.



I'm excited to play my game tomorrow.
And spend more time with the love of my life.

I wish I could win just one indoor game.
Being on a house team kind of blows.

Happiness.

As much as I complain.
As much as I've been through.
As much as everything gets to me.






I enjoy my life.
And I enjoy my boyfriend.

Past?

Lee:

"all i have to say (but really it's God):
Leviticus 18:22
The Bible says "hey don't do that", therefore, no CHRISTIAN should ever in any way, shape, or form, support the act of homosexuality.


BY ALL MEANS: Christians should support the people that claim to be homosexuals.


HOWEVER: We should NEVER support the act of homosexuality.


Love the sinner, hate the sin."



Reminds me of who led me to Christianity in the first place.
I miss hearing that side of him every day.

Giant blog about gay marriages and how I absolutely do not support them.
I might post it later.

I went to Holland this weekend to see my third Anathallo show with Candis.
We met up with a lot of other kids and I also got to meet some of her high school friends.
I don't know what it was but this show was especially good. Something about having Ross and Candis with me and knowing that Emily and Max were across the state enjoying themselves just as much. I don't know.
It felt so right standing close enough to Ross that his body was constantly brushing up against mine.
And seeing Can so happy to see her other friends.
And standing close enough to Matt Joynt that I could watch his guitar strings vibrate.
It was perfect.
I wish the lovers had been there.

After the show, we spent a very long night in one of Can's friends dorm rooms.
We woke up to tons of snow and horrible driving conditions and after fishtailing and having extreme transmission troubles, decided to just wait it out and get a hotel room after walking around downtown GR for quite some time.
So we spent the night at a Red Roof Inn.
And we played cards until both of us were so sleepy, a two person game of BS was the greatest thing on earth.
We then fell asleep to Mythbusters, woke up the next morning to even more snow and some especially good Bob Evans and came on home.

Her parents were so proud of her.
Mine didn't really care.



Whatever.

Also.
Tonight.
Was the first time I had legitimate doubts about moving.
They'll pass.
I just wish he could come with me.

Mix?

I'm still wearing my shin guards.


Good Bad Good Bad Bad.



I hate high school.
I hate parents.
I hate whining.




Good news:
Anathallo show with my lifer tomorrow night
Ross. In general. He's perfect.
Emily and Max's two year tomorrow. =]
I'm shooting a wedding! With a camera!
Pastor Rob.
Mr. Abbott.
Chem friends.


Bad news:
Every single thing else.
Which includes:
Family.
Every subject in school. (minus art since I'm working with linoleum tiles again finally)
Family again.
I missed my soccer game. Which is equivalent to about 12 dollars.
My next one is at 7:55 AM on a Sunday.
My room is taking even longer to clean.
I've been extremely distant from all of my friends for a looooong time.
My head's in GR, which isn't good, considering the rest of my body is still stuck in what I'll refer to as purgatory.



I have such trivial problems mixed with such huuuge ones.









I should have listed the bad things first so I didn't end on such a low note.



This is becoming unbearable.

Number One.

I don't know how long this is gonna stick around.
But its just gonna be a few thoughts once in a while.
Not a daily update.
Although it may turn into that gradually without me realizing.
Which ties me into something that's on my mind.
People changing.
It sounds like so much of a teen issue that I don't even want to acknowledge the fact that its bothering me.
But I am a teenager.
So I can say that its really bothering me.
But not like the annoying type of bother. No.
This is the stuff that really makes me worry.
Its troubling. And unsettling.
And I don't like it.


Unrelated note:
Anathallo Friday. =]